


Shop Till Ya Drop

by Advocate_267



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, Grocery Shopping, Humor, IN SPACE, Kid Peter Quill, M/M, Ravagers - Freeform, Shoplifting, Suggested Kragdu, Swearing, beasties, please don't take this thing seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-02-09 18:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18643912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Advocate_267/pseuds/Advocate_267
Summary: In which Yondu buys toys, Gef bakes cupcakes and Kraglin attempts to be a responsible adult.





	1. Where Did All The Beasties Go?

**Author's Note:**

> It was only a matter of time before I wrote a ravager-centric crackfic.

Yondu was ticked off.

Ticked off, tired, and _this close_ to committing mass murder of the grizzliest variety. His motley band of pirate misfits were always pulling dumb shit, it was in a ravager's nature to be a gigantic pain in the neck, but today had been the last straw.

As usual, Half-nut got pissy over someone touching his favourite knife. As usual, Taserface tried to eat his mouthy Terran charge. As usual, a fight broke out in the engine room over some stupid disagreement. And as-per-flarking-usual Yondu was the one to straighten them all out by banging their damn heads together.

Well not anymore. For the rest of the day his crew could sort out all their disputes between themselves like (somewhat) respectable adults. Yondu was gonna march straight to the store rooms (usually off limits to all but the cooks) grab a fork and engorge himself on the greatest protein snack in all the galaxy.

That had been the idea. Yondu made it to the storeroom nearest the canteen (cleverly undetected) but was met with a terrible surprise.

"What?!" The captain gasped when he flung open the cupboard. On the top shelf, between a pack of instant soup and a plastic container filled with a sketchy-looking green substance, was empty space. There were no Beasties left on the ship. Aw hell.

"Damnit!" Yondu slammed the door shut and went instantly to his wrist-comm. He jabbed a finger at the first name on his recent contacts list and waited impatiently for the other end to pick up.

It was a few long drawn out seconds (felt like bloody hours in Yondu's perspective) before the static cleared to reveal a flush-faced Kraglin. From the steam billowing about his shoulders and the first mate's shirtless state he appeared to be in the middle of showering.

"Uh, yes sir?"   

"Krags, I need ya in tha’ store room this instant." Yondu ignored Kraglin's confused look and waved at the cupboard behind him. "Grab tullk on tha’ way too. We've got some serious business to attend!"   

Kraglin, knowing better than to question his captain's orders (no matter how erratic they may be), nodded. "Sure cap'n. Be there quick as I can."

"And make sure you put some clothes on this time. I can't put up with Quill's grossed-out bitchin'."    

Kraglin grinned meekly. "Yes sir."

The hologram faded out, leaving Yondu to pace back and forth across the store while waiting for the two ravagers. Kraglin made good on his word and arrived (soggy but fully clothed) with Tullk in record time. He strode into the store, scanning the room in search of the source of Yondu's call.

"So what's the problem, cap'n?" He looked to the centaurian for answers when he couldn't place any obvious emergency. "Oil leak? Broken engine? Mouldy month-old milk?"

" _This_ ," Yondu shoved the cupboard door open dramatically, teeth gritted. "Is the problem."

Kraglin and Tullk peered sceptically at the disorganised shelves. Kraglin coughed. "Um, ya can't reach the candy Gef hid on the top shelf?"

"No, idjit." Yondu wracked one fist against the door. "What's tha' one thing this ship can't function without?"

Kraglin scratched his head. "Fuel?"

Tulk chimed in. "Booze?"

"Hot women?"

"Toilet paper?"

"BEASTIES!" Yondu grabbed the front of Kraglin's jumpsuit and shook him like a giant chew toy, red eyes filled with fury. "Some piece of flarkin' space trash finished off me last can o' Beasties and ya know ah can't run this ship without them!"  

Kraglin, feeling kinda like a margarita (shaken, not stirred), put his hands up to try and sooth his ranting captain. "Oo-ooh, right, well, ah, no stressin' cap'tn. We can-"

"No stressin? THE BEASTIE COUNT ON THIS SHIP IS LOWER THAN QUILL'S ALCOHOL TOLERANCE AND YOU'RE TELLIN' ME NO STRESSIN?!"

Kraglin swallowed nervously. Yondu had that look of pure murder on his face, a look nobody sane desired to be on the receiving end of. Still, he did his best to keep up a brave front.

"So what are we gonna do about it? Ya got a plan?"

"’Cause I got a plan! We," Yondu dropped Kraglin and spun round. The first mate flopped unceremoniously to the floor. "Are going grocery shopping!"

" _Oof!_ " Kraglin struggled to his elbows, blinking owlishly. "What?"

"You heard me, boi!" A blue finger was pointed westward. "It's time we staged a re-stock. We're not too far from that planet with them funky neon streets. You remember that one, right? That time we got caught up in that game of strip poker and had to make it back to the ship sharin' one sock."

"That's one I tried to forget." Kraglin blanched at the memory. "But yeah, I know tha’ place."

"Well they got one of those big stores full 'o eatin' supplies and shit. 'Lil Quill always called 'em 'Space Walmart'." He raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Never could understand why." 

"Well then." Kraglin rose from the floor. "Since we're goin' shopping ah'll run a supply check with tha' med centre and kitchens, make a list o' things ta pick up."

"You do that. Tullk," He turned to the other ravager, face serious. "Yer in charge of tha ship while we're planetside. Remember the rules?"

"Yep, no drunken antics, no setting fire to each other's leathers and no eatin' the young Terran. You can trust me, cap'n." Tulk thumped his chest twice. Yondu nodded in approval.

"Good. Kraglin, once ya got yer list I need ya to ready my M-ship. Ah'll rally up a few others and meet ya in tha' hanger." As the two left to carry out their orders Yondu called out to Kraglin as an afterthought. “And make sure ya use the flarkin’ bathroom before we go, I ain’t making a stop again!”


	2. We're All Lost In The Supermarket

Yondu and his shopping squad left the Eclector as planned. The ravager captain had selected his crew carefully; Kraglin was the obvious first pick, Yondu hardly went anywhere without his first mate. Plus the skinny punk was good at remembering to buy stuff they actually needed. The others (Yondu included, not that he'd admit it) made a habit of filling their cart up with junk that was neither nutritious or required. However Yondu did have to keep tabs on Kraglin's soup-buying tendencies.There was a stash big enough to feed an army hidden under his bunk.

Oblo was his next choice. Besides Kraglin and Tullk the Krylorian was one of the more sensible on the ship (by their dangerously-low standards) and for this mission Yondu needed someone with a level head. He also wasn't shy about securing items the immature and less understandable of their crew found gross.

Finally was Half-nut and Wretch, chosen purely to let them stretch their legs outside the ship and quell their ceaseless whinging. It may had been a little overkill but Yondu was no fool. Grocery shopping was serious business and should be treated with as much care as any other mission.

Kraglin brought the M-ship down low, swooping over the large buildings making up the port. It was mid-day and most of the pleasure establishments were shuttered until nightfall. Despite that the place was still bustling with locals and tourists looking to make a nuisance of themselves.

"You'd think it would be quiet this time of day. Don't these flarknards have anything better to do?" Yondu grumbled, scanning the area for a parking spot. Half-nut shouted out, spotting a tiny space at the far end of the lot. Kraglin managed to squeeze them in with only a sprinkling of frustrated curses.

This was a hot planet, locked in a permanent state of summer and the heat blasted both captain and first-mate soon as they exited the cool climate-controlled ship. Kraglin unzipped his jumpsuit, tying it at the waist, and jogged to fetch a shopping cart.

Yondu turned back to shout inside. "C'mon you lot, we ain't got all day!”

Half-nut and Oblo followed, holding up a staggering Wretch. Yondu jabbed a thumb at him. "Wassup with him? Ship Sickness?"

Half-nut shook his head. "He's pissed, sir. Drunk a bottle of gin on tha' way here. Do ya wanna leave him on tha' ship?"

The centaurian slapped a hand over his face. " _Just what we need."_ Kraglin returned, pushing a giant cart. Yondu's implant flared with an idea.

"No, just shove his ass in the cart. We can keep an eye on ‘im then."

Oblo and and Half-nut obeyed, lifting Wretch between them and plonking him in the awaiting cart with only the rough grace a ravager could posses. Wretch didn't protest to the man-handling or even moan when his head clonked against metal. He sat up, grabbing the sides and cheering like a child. Yondu raised his eyes to the stars. " _Whatever cosmic being is watching over this damned planet, for the love of fuck give me the strength to get through this."_

He beckoned for the group to move out, Kraglin carting their load after them.

* * *

 

One good thing about crowds was that they tended to disperse when ravagers were in the vicinity. Key word: tended. Yondu was already harbouring some major stickiness under his armpits and they weren't even in the store yet. The port was just so. Darn. BUSY.

After one too many elbowed ribs Yondu insisted Kraglin walk ahead of them. He did so gladly, using the cart like a battering ram to carve his way through. No one's ankles were safe.

The cool interior of the store was a welcome relief for all, most of all Yondu, who felt like he was about to bust a blood vessel (yet another withdrawal symptom from his fave succulent snack, along with extreme hunger and severe grumpiness). It was a giant building stuffed with merchandise of all descriptions from floor to ceiling, bright signs written in Common smacked to every display with the promise of unbeatable prices. A chirpy girl at the door greeted them with a smile a little too on the sweet side. Half-nut awarded her a sleazy grin and suggestive hand gesture.

"Keep it zipped," Yondu berated, catching the little exchange. "We ain't here to cause a scene, at least until after I get my-BEASTIES!"

Yondu didn't need a cart to carve a path to the display. Soon as his eyes spied the logo he was on it like an m-ship bonnet, cutting through the busy isle with a speed Kraglin never knew a centaurian Yondu's age could excel. Kraglin and the others followed, albeit at a more sedate pace.

When they caught up Yondu had already grabbed a good portion of the shelf stock. He dumped them in the cart, submerging Wretch, and didn’t look to be stopping anytime soon.

Kraglin cleared his throat. "Uh, Captain, I really don't think you need _that_ many cans of-" A glowing arrow hovering inches from his nose quelled the rest of Kraglin sentence. He swallowed, meekly ducking. "Or, ah, ah'm sure we could jam another fifty or so into our larders." Yondu, grinning smugly, retreated the arrow to it's home and continued to bury Wretch under a mountain of red cans.

"Alright, if we’ve got what yer came for," Kraglin started, fishing a scrunched paper sheet out of his pocket. "we can start with the list o' stuff the kitchens and medbay gave me ta git. Oblo?"

The ravager, studying a canned-fruit display, snapped to attention. “Yeah, Kraglin?”

“Ah need you to go to tha’ medical isle and grab some necessities. Plasters, vitamins and, uh, lady products.”

“You got it.” He thumped his chest and disappeared into the crowd. Kraglin rounded on the other ravager in their squad, who was swaying along to the upbeat music the store had playing.

"Half-nut?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't care what you do. Just don't set fire to anything or try and knock some chick up in the bathroom."

“Pff, Killjoy.” Half-nut pouted but went off on his own anyway, hopefully somewhere devoid of comparable beings.

“That leaves you an’ me ta get tha rest of the food, Cap’tn. Cap’tn?” Kraglin whipped around, the iconic red coat of his boss missing from the scene. The first mate sighed. He grabbed the cart handle, looking down at his remaining companion. “Well, guess it’s just you an me then.”

Wretch didn't reply, too busy waving a can around while making spaceship noises.


	3. Code Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite chapter so far. Enjoy <3

Grocery shopping was far from Kraglin’s favourite pastime. It was just so _frustrating,_ especially since he had to shift around Wretch’s bulk as well as Yondu’s lifetime supply of beasties. Speaking of Wretch, the idiot had fell asleep and was snoring loud enough to be heard on the next planet over. Kraglin was getting tired of dishing out embarrassed smiles to those who glanced in their direction.

He pressed on, making it to the dried produce section and about half-way through the list. His next desired item, a canister of caff powder, was located typically on the top shelve. Kraglin couldn’t reach it, even with his lanky build, and was about to scream in frustration when something out the corner of his eye made him freeze, terror taking over every inch of his body.

In this universe there isn't a lot that truly scares Kraglin Obfonteri. Of course there are people he's smart enough to avoid angering, and there's planets with creatures that make his skin crawl, but true, pant-wetting fear? None, bar one exception.

Said exception was standing no more than ten feet away contemplating a pack of diet soda over the full-fat version.

Aleta Ogord, fierce captain and self-titled murder mother of the ravager clans. Any man in his right mind would be sensible to fear her. Even without hearing of her deeds, the sheer sight of the lean wild-haired woman carrying a blaster at her hip was sure to riff the ol' nerves.

That wasn't what spooked Kraglin. As far as he knew their clan was at least on civil terms with Aleta's, even with the exile. No, it was a different kind of threat that he feared.

Kraglin was sure she hadn't spotted him yet. Quietly he backed up, hoping to take shelter behind a cereal display. Unfortunately finesse was not most ravagers' strong point, Kraglin’s boot catching on a stray box. The resulting crash was akin to a asteroid collision, an avalanche of boxes crashing around him.

Aleta turned his way and Kraglin's stomach dropped faster than the boxes littering the isle. She squinted, checking his face. Realisation dawning she broke into a wide smile.

"Kraglin!"

"Uh, gotta go!" Kraglin’s fight or flight instinct kicked in. He couldn’t fight her, Yondu didn’t want no damage if it was avoidable and Kraglin was well aware of Aleta’s ability to kick his ass six way to Sunday so that only left one option. He took off down the nearest isle, cart discarded, screeching all the way as confused shoppers scattered in his wake.

Aleta calmly wandered over to the abandoned cart. She looked down at Wretch, now drooling grossly down his front, and patted him on the head. Then she began to hunt down Kraglin,

* * *

**Meanwhile on the Eclector...**

"GEF YOU MANKY PIECE OF ORLONI DUNG," Taserface's bellowing shook the very foundations of the third deck. Even Quill, who always pretended deafness once once his tape was rolling, lifted one earbud and poked his head out the room he'd been chilling in. He was meant to be on cleaning duty, but what Yondu didn't know won't kill him (...hopefully).

“GET YOUR DUMB BEARD BACK HERE!"

There was pounding down the nearby corridor and suddenly Gef barrelled round the corner. He looked terrified, running as if a whole pack of rabid beasts were in pursuit of his hide.

While he wasn’t exactly what Quill would call a ‘friend’ Gef was more of a clueless oath than any kind of nightmare to avoid. He’d only threatened to eat him once, when he’d first been brought aboard, and that was barely a slight on the amount of times Yondu used that threat.

Besides, he really wanted to know what had the guy so freaked.

Quill waved an arm, becoming the ravager into his hiding place.

Gef saw, barely throwing the brakes on in time to swing into Quill’s nook. The kid huffed as the ravager’s bulk squashed him against the wall.

Both held their breath, waiting until Taserface’s rumbling steps and filthy threats faded to another part of the ship.

Gef let his relive show in a sigh reeking of that day’s breakfast special, grin a show of yellow teeth. “Thanks kid, ya saved my butt.” He shifted out, allowing Quill to regain use of his lungs. He followed Gef into the corridor, checking his walkman hadn’t received any damage. It hadn’t. _Thew._

Quill waved breezily. "Don't mention it. But why's Tasie so mad at you?" It wasn’t uncommon for Taserface to be ticked at the universe, it was one of the only moods the ravager could pull off (along with roaring drunk and disgustingly happy at innocent creature’s expense) but taking it out on the one ravager who actually liked his company? Well, that also wasn’t unheard of, but whatever. Quill was curious.

Gef’s face fell. "I don’t know. All I did was try and do something nice."

“Like what?” The boy was wary. A ravager’s perception of ‘nice’ was usually on par with earth’s ‘nasty’.

“Ah only went and caught a bunch of bed lice and cooked ‘em up into a tart. Ah thought he’d like that, somethin’ made only for him.”

_"Ew._ Listen, you want to get back onto Taser’s good side? I got a idea." Quill stood on his tiptoes and quipped his plan in Gref's ear. The Ravager's face lit up.

"You think that'll work?"

Quill bobbed his head confidently. “Absolutely.”

"Wait, what if Taserface catches on and sees me?"

"Don't worry about that." He reassured with a giggle. "I'll keep 'im distracted."

* * *

**Back with the Shopping Squad...**

In his haste to get away from you-know-who Kraglin had wound up in the toy department. He fell against a shelf of miniature ships, wheezing.

"Oi, been lookin' for you."

"Eep!" Kraglin almost jumped out of his overalls. It was only Yondu, unruffled and oblivious to the panic racing through his first mate. Kraglin put a hand on Yondu’s shoulder and lent close, speaking in a hurried whisper.

"Captain, ah don't wanna cause alarm but we've got a code green. I repeat, a _code green!_  We need-"

Yondu wasn't interested, waving about an item of some kind.

"Where's the cart? Ah wanna buy this."

“Wha-? Didn’t ya here me, Cap’tn? There's a leather-clad banshee on her way here and we’ve gotta go!”

“But _Kraggles…_ ” Yondu’s voice pitched to downright penchant. He pressed the plastic toy against Kraglin’s cheek. “I ain’t got on o’ these and it’s on _sale_.”

“Cap’tn, please…

"There you are!"

Kraglin turned pale and with a yip of fear dived under Yondu's coat.

Yondu turned to the other end of the isle, coming face to face with Stakar’s notorious ex. She didn’t seem bothered to see his banished ass, in fact she was smiling in a way that could be considered sweet if it was anyone but her. She skipped over, leaning down to coo at the suspicious shape bulging from Yondu’s back.

"Oh, _Kra-lin_ ~."

"Kraglin's not here." The ravager’s decree was muffled by Yondu's coat. Yondu rolled his eyes.

"Now, 'Leta. I ain't looking for- _hught_!"

He gasped. Not because Aleta had stabbed him or shot him or slapped his implant clean off. No, he wouldn’t have been surprised at any of those things. She was crushing him in a strong bear hug. He tried to gently pry her off.

"It's been so long.” She murmured, nuzzling his shoulder. “Why don't you call me?"

"Thought you'd...be...busy."

"Busy trying to keep my damn ex-husband in check. Do ya have any idea what kinda crap he's been pulling recently? Sending sappy messages over the coms, trying to set us up on dates, leaving rose petals and white wine in my m-ship. Makes me sick!"

 "Right, well ah, good to know you’re getting on. Could ya release me? M’need mah lungs.”

She complied, allowing Yondu the luxury of breathing.

"It was lovely to see you again boy." She pats his implant, Yondu grimacing at the friendly gesture. "Make sure you eat your greens."

"Yeah, yeah."

"And wash your implant at least once every month-cycle."

"I get it."

"Make sure to always wear proper protection. That includes out on the field and when you're getting busy with your newest fling.”

“ _Aleta.”_

“And you remember the proper way to dispose of a body after a massacre, right?"

"ALETA." Yondu stomped his foot. He’d gone oddly blue in the face. "I get it. Now we gotta go."

She pecks him on the cheek before he can scoot away then ducks under his coat to deliver Kraglin the same treatment. Yondu can't see his reaction but the startled sound is enough to image it.

Once she's out of sight Yondu furiously wiped his cheek then rounded on his first mate, who'd slipped sheepishly out to stand beside him.

"What the hell was that about, hidin’ in mah coat?"

Kraglin shrugged. "Works for Quill."

"What he was _eight_. You're over double that, three time taller and four times as ugly."

"I panicked." Kraglin defended, then wrinkled his nose."And when was the last time you washed that coat?"

"Never mind that, let's jus' go find the cart you irresponsible abandoned."

Kraglin spluttered after him. "Irresponsibly?"

"Leavin' your cart alone's in one of these stores like leaving your kid with a hungry bilgesnipe. Ya jus' don't do it."

"I told ya, I panicked."

"And I told you I'm buyin' this." Yondu gestured to the toy he now had tucked under his arm, no chance of relenting. Kraglin let it go. After that run-in he just wanted to get this shopping thing over with.

They located the cart, unmoved, Wretch still snoozing under his cover of cans. Yondu added his toy to the pile and Kraglin checked his list for the final items.

"Well looks like we don't need much more. Once Oblo's got all Doc’s stuff we should be good to go.”

“Great." Yondu looked around, as if just realising one of their party was unaccounted for. "Hey, where’s Half-nut gotten off too?”

“Hell do I know.”


	4. Pink Panties and Dog Treats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay ^^

Half-nut had gotten off to the far end of the store, away from his dull comrades. The clothing section, to be exact. Once he got bored of picking his nose in front of the security cameras the skinny ravager amused himself by trying on silly sunglasses and giggling at his reflection. When that got lame he found himself in the woman’s lingerie isle.

“That’s a really bad idea.”

“And I really don’t care.” Half-nut rebutted Oblo, who’d finished gathered his supplies (stashed safely in a basket) and was now on the hunt for their captain.

Oblo eyed the undergarments Half-nut was fiddling with uncertainty. “Yondu said we’re only to buy essentials. I don’t think pink panties with a teddy bear print count as essential.”

“What if I was getting them for one of the lovely ladies that sleep in our dorm, huh?”

"Most of the women on our ship go commando or wear boxers.” The Krylorian replied, deadpan.

Nutty cocked his eyebrow slyly. “How do _you_ know that?”

“I’ve seen their laundry. And they tell me”

“Yeah, cause you’re sooo in touch with your feminine side.” Half-nut drawled, fluttering his lashes teasingly. He got distracted by Oblo’s face, noticing something off. “Hey, is that blood?”

“Yeah,” Oblo winced, referring to the dark liquid pouring steadily out his nose. “An old lady smacked me in the face.  All I did was say ‘no’ when she asked if I was getting the tampons for my, and I quote, ‘girlfriend’.”

“‘Cos those are a foreign concept to you.” Half-Nut snickered. He pointed at one of the items in Oblo’s basket. “Why don’t ya just stuff one ‘o those things up there.”

“Why in stars name would I want to do that?”

“To soak up your blood, genius.” The ravager threw his arms up in the air, still clutching the undergarments. “ _Honestly_. Ya’ll all call me the stupid one.”

“Huh, guess there’s no harm.” Oblo did as his crew-mate suggested, pulling off the wrapper and inserting the tampon up his left nostril.

“We better find Yondu and Kraglin,” he said, speech nasally. “Wouldn’t wanna get left here.”

“I dunno,” Half-nut leered, winking at a nearby girl checking out the sales rack. “Ah could stay ‘ere a lil’ longer.”

“Nope.” Oblo grabbed his ear, dragging the ravager towards the checkouts, Half-nut mouthing ‘call me’ to every woman they passed.

* * *

 

With their cart recovered Yondu and Kraglin continued their mission. Things were going well, much to Kraglin’s happiness, and they were almost done collecting produce for the kitchens.

"Gotta get some munchies for tha Terran.” Yondu said, directing Kraglin down what looked like a snack aisle. “Doc keeps riffin’ me on how his diet ' _ain't right for a growin' kid_ '." The centaurian was no health nut but even he knew a diet of cashews, cola and syrup bars was on the opposite end of balanced. Quill couldn’t afford to be too picky, due to recent events (stupid Stakar!) they couldn’t afford five star cuisine, but a few treats wouldn’t hurt.

“Uh-huh.” Kraglin kept his snide comment of _how come none of us get special treats?_ They’d caused enough fuss all ready, he’d like to avoid an argument in the middle of the isle.

“Hey, these look good.” Yondu stopped at a shelve housing bags of biscuit-like things. He picked up one of the bags, squinting at the cartoony creature on the packaging. It looked like the kind of domestic animal Xandarians kept as pets.

“Cap’tn, those are-” Kraglin clamped his mouth shut, an evil little smirk forming on his face. He plucked the bag from Yondu’s hand and tossed it in the cart. “Perfect Terran treats. The boy’ll love ‘em.”

“Ya think so?”

“Absolutely. Buy a bunch, we can give ‘em to him as a reward for behavin’.”

Yondu glanced at the price tag and his eyes widened. “Damn, these things are expensive.”

"Well we betta make sure he eats ‘em all and appreciates the gesture.”

Yondu seemed satisfied, grabbing a few handfuls of bags. Kraglin was looking forward to it; making the kid squirm was one of his favourite past times.

“Anythin’ else we need ‘fore we go.” The first mate asks, silently praying for a negative answer. _Please say no, please say no..._

"One last thing.”  Yondu dashed around a corner, returning a minute later with a small package. Kraglin glanced at the label and frowned.

“We got some of those already.”

“The ones doc keeps on board are cheap and uncomfortable, yer the one who’s always bitchin’ about it.”

“But the others…” Kraglin waved his arm about in a vague reference to the rest of their squad, biting his lip. “Ain’t they gonna question why yer buying condoms?”

It wasn't like he and Yondu were the most subtle on the subject, but Kraglin liked to at least _try_ to keep some parts of his life private from their nosy crewmates. Half-nut gets wind that he this and he'd never hear the end of it. Yondu shrugged, sticking the box over where Wretch’s left shoulder would be, now completely hidden. “Pretend I’m buying them for little Quill.”

“He’s ten.”     

“He’s gonna grow.”

“They’ll be expired by then.”

“Then we better not let them go ta waste.”

He smirked, enhancing ‘waste’ with a tap of Kraglin’s backside.

The straggled sound Kraglin made was worth this hellish trip alone, his ear tips turning blue as he pushed Yondu’s arms away. “ _Public_ , Sir.”

“As if I didn’t notice.” Yondu sniffed, glaring at a nearby elderly couple who’d been blocking the same shelf for so long they could be mistaken for statues. “C’mon, let’s get the fuck outta hear ‘fore someone decides to mutiny while we're gone."

That was the best news Kraglin’d heard all day.

* * *

 -On the Eclector-

Quill peaked around the door to the rec-room, target spotted.

He’d set Gef up in the kitchen with instructions even a fool like him could understand, next step was keeping the demon king of the Eclector busy.

It wasn’t often Quill did favours for free, Yondu taught him that anything that requires effort requires pay.The kid could let this one slide though, namely because he was 1. bored, 2. shirking duties and 3. situations involving Gef and Taserface always lead to an entertaining conclusion. As long as he survived to see it.

“Hi Taserface.” Quill beamed, casually approaching the hulking ravager. “Whatcha up to?”

Taserface grunted, taking a glug from his huge tanker of beer.

“What’s it look like twerp?”

Quill blinked innocently, pointing to the ravager’s matted ponytail. “It looks like that mane of yours is in need of some attention.”

Taserface stopped. He glared at the kid, growling lowly. “You what?”

“I don’t mean any offence!” He did, but this task required the burying of opinions. “It’s just, I overheard some ravagers talking smack about ya. Said you look like a big sissy with that haircut.”

“Who?!” His drink was slammed down, stool pushed back with a earsplitting screech. “Who dares insult _Taserface_?!

Quill jumps back, a little unnerved by the outburst. “I-I can’t remember the names, you know how quick gossip spreads. But don’t worry about that.” He regained his cool, leaning forward on the table. “I can fix it for ya if you want.”

“You?” The ravager let out a disgustingly loud laugh, coating kid in a spray of foul spit. Quill steeled his face to avoid grimacing.

“Uh-huh, my mom taught me this awesome hairstylin’ technique. Guaranteed to make ya the most badass-looking ravager around.”

“Hmm,” Taserface seemed to consider the proposal, rubbing his beard in thought.  “Alright," He agreed, then poked the kid's chest roughly. "but if ya screw it up I’m gonna screw _you_ up inta a tiny ball and punt ya out the nearest airlock.”

“Great!” Quill fist pumped. He grabbed Taserface’s disfigured hand, tugging him towards the door. “Let’s go to my room. I keep all my tools there and no one will be able to spy on my super secret technique.”

Despite the ache in his ribs where Taserface had poked internally Quill was cheering. His own perfectly formulated plan was going great, if he keeps this up, maybe he'll be allowed to sit in on the captain's heist-planning sessions. Yondu's gonna be so proud! 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one chapter to go!   
> Thank you to every one who's commented or given kudos so far, I'm glad people are enjoying my nonsense.


End file.
